My life

I don't know if anyone will take the time to read this but hello anyway.

I guess you know me from my comments on Mayo's page, and BC's if you go there too.

As you've probably noticed, I like to chip in with the funny remarks. I'm not one for the deep empassioned speeches like sdock10. I couldn't compete, her words are so beautiful. I just prefer to make people smile.

I'm a nice friendly person, I get along with everyone from all walks of life. I'm lucky to have never been bullied, maybe because I find it so easy to get on with people.

I unlike some people on blogland was fortunate enough to love school. I loved college and I loved Uni. Most of you know I did Egyptology. It is totally my passion. Unfortunately, to do anything in this field as a profession, you need more qualifications than just a degree. My finances never allowed me to take it further but it will always be my first love.

The next biggest thing in my life was losing my father at 55 yrs. This happened in 2002. I will share the story.

After leaving Uni, I came back home. I couldn't afford my own place. One day dad was out on the driveway when he just collapsed. My mum was screaming, and I went out to see. He was rolling on the ground and his lips had turned blue.

Sorry, I am crying my eyes out as I write this, excuse any mistakes


He was having trouble breathing and then he stopped. I tried mouth to mouth and managed to bring him back about three times but he kept slipping away. The ambulance came and they worked on him and took him away. When we reached the hospital they told us he was gone. I was heartbroken.

The cause of death was an enlarged heart, there's nothing you can do about that.

It was so hard having to ring people and tell them. That time all passed in a blur, yet most of it seems like only yesterday. My sis had gone to her boyfriends so she had to come to the hospital after the fact. I would've hated that. I'm so glad I was there. At least I can say that I tried. I'm so glad that at the end, I was the closest I could be to him because his last breathe was mine.

I'm just so glad that I made him proud. He was so proud that both his girls finished Uni. We are not from an affluent background and this made him so proud. He always used to say,"you girls have never brought the police to my door or caused me grief". God, I miss him.

After that for some reason I started to hate my nan, his mum. I felt so cheated, it wasn't the natural way, she should have gone first. She was in a nursing home and for a long time, I couldn't visit, I wouldn't visit. She had dementia towards the end and we never told her about dad. As mum said, the shock would kill her.

I eventually brought myself to visit after mum told me that she probably wasn't going to be around for too long and it really wasn't her fault. I knew it wasn't but I still felt so angry.

I'm glad I went to visit. We had a laugh and it was the last time I saw her. I'll always have that last memory of laughing with her. At her funeral one year after dad's I just kept feeling that dad should have been there.

The following year, my 25yr old cousin was killed. He was knocked down trying to cross a motorway. We have no idea what he was doing there and I guess we never will. I miss him so much. he was one of the funniest people I knew.

That was 2002, 2003, 2004.

2006, my mum was diagnosed with breast cancer. Luckily, she has made a total recovery. It just seems to be one thing on top of another.

After all this, I needed a rest. I quit my job at a hospital to spend more time with mum. God I needed a break. I'm still living with her. I don't know if I'll ever leave now. I couldn't leave her alone and she doesn't want me to go.

I guess what I try to do with my humor is make people laugh and get along. We should all get along with people more cos you don't know when those people will be gone.

My dad was gone as fast as you can click your fingers, my nan and cousin also. ( my nan just stopped breathing one day, simple as. No suffering thank god). People will tell you it is a good way for the people who have gone because they didn't have time to suffer. But for the people left behind, you have nothing but time to suffer.

Mum is fine and now I'm looking for a job. I have no idea what I want to do with my life and this depresses me so much. I envy people who have a clear dream and are able to follow it.

All I know is that ordinary life holds no interest for me. I've never wanted to settle down and have kids. Never wanted an ordinary 9 to 5. I guess this is why I am still on anti depressants. Yes, me, the one that makes you all laugh is actually depressed. I think if I didn't spend time laughing, I really would end it all.

A lot of the time, I really hate my life. I have no idea what I want to do with it. All I know is that I'm not happy with normality.

I also have a nuisance neighbour who is an alcoholic. He likes to play loud music so sleep is precious to me. I never seem to get enough these days.

I try to make the most of the little things like family and friends and laughing with them. I now class you among those friends.

I hope you now understand me a little more. I hope I don't piss you off with my need to lighten the mood sometimes.

Thank you for listening. Sorry this was so long.