Sad feelings

I have been absent for a short while as I felt I needed the break. I have decided to comment here while it is quiet as people have expressed worry for me and I wouldn't want anyone to worry on my behalf. I'm sure everyone here has much more important things to be worrying about than me. The fact that they are worrying about me makes me teary for two reasons. 1, that they are such wonderful people and I feel so lucky to know them and 2, that I am a stupid bitch who has put them in this position once again.

I have depression you see, right now I am having a shitty time. In recent days, I have found it harder and harder to converse on these blogs. Time and again, I find my hands hovering over the keys only for me to let them drop once more as I realise for the hundreth time today that I have nothing of use or interest to contribute to the conversation.

I know by now you must all be sick to the back teeth of me whinging and fed up of my boring attempts at joining in. I have started to bore myself.

It has been a demoralising time in my life and this week it has reached a head. I left my last job to spend time with mum after her breast cancer diagnosis. Luckily she is fine now. I have been unemployed for a year now. I have been trying to think about what I actually want to do with my life and do you know what I decided? Fuck all. I know less now than I did a year ago, how depressing is that.

I have been offered a place at university to do a degree in History and Archaeology. I shall have to turn it down though as I cannot finance it. As I have done a degree before, I cannot get any loans.

I tried to get onto a photography course at college but it was all booked up.

I have been on a handful of interviews but not got the job. They have been jobs I didn;t want anyway, I just felt like I should be trying.

I have decided that I want to do a course that would enable me to teach English to foreign students, this will have to take a back seat to finding a crappy job now though.

Things have reached a head. I am up to the limit on my credit card now and the savings I have been using to pay the credit card bills is now depleted. I have to get a job as of yesterday.

I know some of you might think that I could have got off my arse more to find a job. As well as my depression, I live next door to an alcoholic who plays his music loud all night. I grab sleep as and when. I don;t have regular sleeping patterns and being able to get up in the morning to go to a job is out of the question. I shall have to look for jobs with afternoon and evening shifts.

The council are trying to help us with our nuisance neighbour. They put in a recording box to capture the noise a few weeks back. But by law they have to warn him that they are doing so, so as you can imagine, for a week he was quiet. Nothing was captured. You are only allowed these boxes three times so judging when to have them then going on the waiting list for them is a game in itself.

People here will notice that for someone in the UK, I am up pretty late. That is because while not in a job, I have ended up following the neighbours sleep pattern of music till 5-6:30am, sleep till the afternoon, start again with the noise in the evening.

As you can see, my energetic get up and go to find a job got up and went and left me here with my eyebags.

So as you can imagine, with no sleep, depression, and no idea what i want to do with my life, a job hasn't happened as yet.

It has to now though cos the cash has run out. My darling sister is gonna come with me next week as we head to the agencies in town. I need an imediate start job, I don;t have the time to be messing with application forms. Also I need the afternoon shift jobs. Wish me luck with that. I will end up doing a crappy soul destroying job but it has to be that way for now. It won;t help my depression but then again, what does (pizza and football but not much else).

This place used to be my daily escapism, for hours each day the crappy real world didn;t exist and I could talk to the most wonderful people. I have never done this before, I have never talked to people online until I came here. In the begining, I lurked for a couple of weeks before summoning the courage to join in. I'm glad I did cos I had so much fun and it felt like an amazing family.

Lately, my feelings have changed. We have mean anons that come here just to launch personal attacks. That is bad enough, we deal with anons. Now it seems that "regs" are hiding behind the anon name to slag off other regs. Pepole have told me for a while that this has been happening and I covered my ears cos i didn;t want to believe it, but in recent days I have seen it to be true.When and how did it come to this? Where did the family spirit go?

It also seems that when nice anons appear, because we have suffered at the hands of mean anons, people are reluctant to speak to them. Not only that though, they try to actively discourage others from having what was a nice conversation with an nice anon. I for one would like to think that I can speak to whomever I choose without being told by others.

We have to remember that this place doesn't belong to us. We have no right to try to decide who belongs here and who doesn't. This is mayo's place, not some domain for others to take charge of.

Also, this is mayo's place. It doesn't belong to Gerard way, it belongs to a blogger who calls them self mayo. It is a place where a lot of MCR fans found each other. I enjoy as much as the next person a talk about MCR, but day after day, the same discussion over and over and over leaves me with nothing to say. At times, I type something only to delete it again cos I have said it 20 times before. I am not trying to tell anyone what they can and can't talk about, I'm just trying to explain why sometines I feel as if I have nothing left to say.

I have felt this feeling more and more these days as talk of Gerards marriage descends into anon attack which descends into regs arguing. Often I look at this screen shaking my head and thinking once more "I have nothing to say". It is upsetting to witness. I feel helpless at times.

This place was a refuge for me, it is becoming another instigator of depression. I feel as if I can't talk about it because no one else feels the same and they will think that I am always moaning. I don;t want to be always moaning but alas, I feel that I am.

I know that my conversation is becoming boring, I bore myself. Boring or moaning is all I seem to do these days. I feel like it is wrong to subject you to this. That is why I find myself speaking less and less here. Yes, I have depression but I have no right to drag the rest of you down too. You all have problems and you don;t want to be listening to mine.

I am just so sorry that you worry about me cos I shouldn;t keep putting you in the position of worrying. I looked at the comments on my blog the other day, they all consist of "I am worried about you, are you OK?, What is wrong?" over and over. I thought to myself "is that the only reason people look at my blog" and it seems to be the case.

I made my profile private cos I didn;t want anyone to feel that it needed to be swamped with those kind of messages again, also cos it was irrelevent. My latest blog was a heiroglyphic message of goodwill to you all. It took me a while to depict the letters. I added them clickable to make it easier to view. Although I had multilpe comments on my blog, I doubt a single one of them even bothered to look at what I had written, none of the comments referred to it. I realised then just how irrelevent the few things I did have to say had become.

Just before I left, I tried to join in the convo at DM. I was ignored and talked over so I gave up. Time and time again while I am on AIM with Entropy, we talk to each other and say "I commented at such and such but everyone ignored me". We tell each other when we have commented just so that we can acknowledge each others comments as no one else does.

Having nothing to say and being ignored when you do is what ultimately led me to stay away. Yesterday my uncle and cousin came to visit. I spent the time with them and it was a blessing not to even look at the computer.

They are still here today. They have all gone to my aunts but I am too depressed to do the big family thing. There will be too many of them there and I can;t force happiness and laughter. Instead of bringing them all down, I have decided to stay away. I feel the same way about my blog family. I don;t want to bring you down so I'd better stay away.

I just wanted to let the good people who have asked after my wellbeing know what is going on in my head.

Also, me and DG have exchanged phone numbers and have been in contact by text. I haven't got round to answering emails yet but I didn;t want any of you to think that I was answering hers but not yours.

I hope that said it all.